It’s time for everybody and their mother to have something to say about this coming Saturday. People come out of the woodwork with a passionate opinion about THE GAME. Hey, dude-who-talks-about-his-weekend-yard-work-every-Monday-morning, thanks for your in depth analysis of Terrelle Pryor’s leadership skills. Hey ESPN.com troll, thanks for the word for word regurgitation on Herbie’s take on THE RIVALRY. Hey Mom… nice talking to you. I’m glad Grandma’s doing alright. How’s my favorite nephew? Oh yeah, I’m ranting…. Hey Mom, thanks for rescheduling Baron Family Thanksgiving to happen on December 4 so that we can properly focus on football. No, really, I mean that one… for real, thanks.
 

The point is, this week transcends the pomp and excitement of a normal football game, and it’s entertaining and fun as hell… and in some cases a little bit redunkulous. In Columbus, Ohio, it’s bigger than the Olympics. In Kaptain Kurt Kernen’s home, it is a game that happens every single year and it is bigger than the birth of his first born child. (Note: that may or may not be true) Sure, there are other rivalries in sports. There are even other really good rivalries in college football. My mom, however, doesn’t talk about any of them except Ohio State vs m*ch*g@n. I’m pretty sure she knows that all Browns fans hate the squeelers and that there’s a team in Baltimore with the murderer lurking at linebacker. But I know she knows and hates m*ch*g@n. My brother can’t name 5 players on the team, but he’s driving 140 miles just to tailgate. He wants to experience the atmosphere. He doesn’t even want to go to the game! This is nuts. This is awesome. This is hilarious.

Anyway, there are going to be a million blog posts and news paper articles and office cooler discussions about THE GAME this weekend from people who have no clue what they’re talking about. There will be plenty of idiot know-it-all morons with huge opinions about the game pulling some wack-a-doodle statistics out of their butts. To combat this, below are some important facts that you need to know to help keep yourself in the conversation:

• Denard Robinson hasn’t tied his shoes ever. I repeat, ever.
• Llllloyd Car spells his name with 15 ‘L’s in it.
• Rich Rodriguez is a direct decedent of the Devil himself… he put that on his resume, and that’s how he got the job. He fits.
• Tom Brady really is a cave man. His mother is the missing link. Her name is Lucy
• m*ch*g@n plays in a stadium with a popular nickname: the toilet bowl. It got this name because of the smell.
• using the word “m*ch*g@n” and “relevant” in the same sentence is an oxymoron.
• Rich Rodriguez really is a moron
• The most common thing scUM students get on their SAT’s is…. drool
• The best way to get a university of m*ch*g@n student off your front porch is to pay him for the pizza
• The US Department of Transportation recently took a poll discovering that the majority of people involved in car accidents in 49 of 50 states utter the words: “Oh Crap!” The only state that did not fit this statistic was Michigan in which the majority of people said, “Hold my beer, watch this!”
• The university of m*ch*g@n replaced their natural grass field with field turf several years ago. They did this to keep their cheerleaders from grazing.
• It was reported that the m*c*g@n Football Coach DickRod will only be dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game this Saturday…the rest of the players will have to dress themselves!

And that’s all I got, folks. Go ahead and post your favorite michigan joke in the comments. If you’re a douche… I mean a m*ch*g@n fan, screw you and get off my website.